So an acquaintance of mine is trying to do the friends thing with his ex-girlfriend. That's fine. We're all out having some drinks, he gets antsy (as drinks can have that effect) and proceeds to try to get his ex to go home with him for some lovin. She refuses. He tells us that the reason for her refusal is this:
"She's afraid she'll fall in love with me again."
I don't know the guy very well so I actually manage to keep my mouth shut, but for the rest of you having a similar problem let me set the record straight.
That reason is absolute bull. She is not afraid of falling 'back in love with you'.
If she dumped you, then she took into consideration the loss of not just your company but your sexual company - and she was OK with that.
If you dumped her then she's incredibly insulted that you thought, for even a second, that she would possibly be willing to sleep with you when you don't even want to be with her.
Here's the deal, there is a reason you guys broke up. Either she wasn't feelin it anymore or you weren't feelin it anymore. The drunken booty with your ex is an act of desperation and says "I don't want to be with you but I have no other options, you game?"
For guys this is not a problem because it (incorrectly) translates to "You're the best dick I've ever gotten and I want more." Which is a testament to your epic manhood and sexual wiles. Score!
For the ladies this is a slap in the face. Not only are you insulting her worth as a human being but also her character. "I'm drunk and you're easy" is not romantic or flattering. Demeaning and insulting is more like it.
So not only is the fact that you just hugely insulted her is she not sleeping with you, but she might not be sleeping with you because she does have other options and you're not so fantastic in bed that she would be willing to swallow her pride (heheh) in order for another chance to have sex with you.
Sure, some relationships do end up with a fringe benefit sort of agreement. But that is usually discussed ahead of time and not when you're already drunk & horny. If you were with somebody for years and then it had to end let's face it, there is a reason it had to end.
So why won't you're ex-girlfriend sleep with you?
-You broke her heart & there is no reason to allow you to reap the benefits of a relationship that you're not willing to be a part of.
-The sex wasn't that good in the first place.
-Any woman worth her spit would never give it up after so great an insult to her worth. (No matter how good the sex may or may not have been).
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Men vs. Women: Food
So Men and Women don't always see eye to eye. They process thoughts in totally different ways and this leads to misunderstandings, fights, and all kinds of other such nastiness. Today I'm going to illustrate this difference through food.
Imagine a dude, sitting on the couch playing Day of Defeat or something. He gets hungry. The man thinks: "Food." Then he gets up, goes to the kitchen and looks for something to eat. He finds something, he eats it. Dude is satisfied, Dude goes back to gaming.
Now imagine a chick, sitting on the couch playing Dragon Siege or something. She gets hungry. The woman thinks: Hmmm, I'm hungry, what do I feel like eating?
The difference is subtle, you may have missed it. I'll give you a moment to read it again....
If you think the woman has somehow managed to turn the act of feeding herself into an emotional issue then you are correct.
Granted, she probably has a pretty good idea of what food is available to her in the kitchen but she is still wondering what she feels like eating right this moment. If she doesn't have it, she will either go get it and be satisfied by it or she will settle and be left feeling a lot like she did last night with that musician who just couldn't quite bring her to the Big O.
Everything has an emotional effect when women are going about their lives and making decisions. They aren't just thinking about the need to eat, they're thinking about how that food is going to make them feel. Why do women like chocolate, because it's food that feels good to eat. Men will eat something even if it tastes bad. If a woman eats something that tastes bad it's because she's making a sacrifice for someone else and the sacrifice makes her feel good about eating something awful.
Maybe I'll turn this into a series.... tune in next week!
Imagine a dude, sitting on the couch playing Day of Defeat or something. He gets hungry. The man thinks: "Food." Then he gets up, goes to the kitchen and looks for something to eat. He finds something, he eats it. Dude is satisfied, Dude goes back to gaming.
Now imagine a chick, sitting on the couch playing Dragon Siege or something. She gets hungry. The woman thinks: Hmmm, I'm hungry, what do I feel like eating?
The difference is subtle, you may have missed it. I'll give you a moment to read it again....
If you think the woman has somehow managed to turn the act of feeding herself into an emotional issue then you are correct.
Granted, she probably has a pretty good idea of what food is available to her in the kitchen but she is still wondering what she feels like eating right this moment. If she doesn't have it, she will either go get it and be satisfied by it or she will settle and be left feeling a lot like she did last night with that musician who just couldn't quite bring her to the Big O.
Everything has an emotional effect when women are going about their lives and making decisions. They aren't just thinking about the need to eat, they're thinking about how that food is going to make them feel. Why do women like chocolate, because it's food that feels good to eat. Men will eat something even if it tastes bad. If a woman eats something that tastes bad it's because she's making a sacrifice for someone else and the sacrifice makes her feel good about eating something awful.
Maybe I'll turn this into a series.... tune in next week!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Gift Giving to your Lady
Let's face it guys, your ability to buy appropriate gifts for your lady partner is a joke. They have commercials about it, mass forwarded emails about it; you gotta be wondering what the Hell you're doing wrong.
First of all, it's not always just the gift that sucks. It's what the gift says about your relationship. If your girlfriend is frustratingly dyslexic and you buy her a copy of East of Eden, this could say one of two things.
1. You're an ass and you bought your dyslexic girlfriend a copy of fucking East of Eden. Did you forget she's dyslexic? What else have you forgotten about her?
2. She likes challenges and you know that. In an effort to support & encourage her you bought her one of the ultimate classics.
This is why buying gifts can be tricky. You have to actually know the person you're buying gifts for. If you bought the book but aren't sure how she will take it, buy her a card in which you write "I know you get frustrated, we can read this together" or something sappy and togetherly. If you forgot she's dyslexic then lets hope she IS the kinda girl that likes a challenge. Otherwise you're boned.
Okay, back to the process of buying gifts. Think about your girlfriend. Picture her awesomeness in your head. She would have to be awesome, otherwise why date her?
Think about her interests. Does she like reading? What kind of books? Do you know the name of her favorite band? If it's Taylor Swift then it's okay not to buy your woman the new cd, I wouldn't want to encourage that either. Does she collect anything? Is she outdoorsy or does she play video games or both? What kinds of things can you do together?
This is another area where guys go wrong - you think the present has to fit in a box. Why not take her somewhere? She's your girlfriend, so she likes being with you, work that angle! Picnics are nice because she feels like you're being romantic and you get to eat. Not only that, but she'll probably get cutesy and feed you like you're some kind of Greek deity. Bonus.
Some girls wont ask for perfume even though they'd like you to buy some. Here's why:
They want you to think they smell good.
Girls think about you when they are buying their shampoo/lotions/perfumes. They wonder if you'll think it smells wonderful or if it reminds you of your ex. Or your grandma.
They can't ask you to buy them perfume, it's expensive. They probably don't ask you to go shopping with them to help them pick something out because you guys hate shopping. So take the initiative and go buy something with a fragrance that you love. Make sure you are not just using your nose, use your head. Does this perfume remind you of your ex? Or your girl's BFF? Don't buy a perfume that makes you think of someone else. Buy a perfume that smells wonderful and makes you think of your lady.
Lingerie is not necessarily a NoGo. It depends on your relationship. Does your girl get magazines from Victoria's Secret or Frederick's? Peek through the pages, is anything marked? Next time you catch her looking through the magazine, ask her what she likes in it. The nice thing about talking to your girl about panties as that it will likely lead to a private showing.
If you're trying to think of a gift that she'd really really want; don't think back and remember how frustrated she gets with her old vacuum cleaner. That's not a gift, that's like filling her car up with gas for her birthday. Now, if you also got it washed & detailed after installing a badass new sound system then okay, you can fill it up with gas. Toasters and vacuums are domestic necessities, they can be bought any damn day of the week and for no good reason. Plus, remember the domestic part? Avoid gifts that say domestic. Unless it's pearls, because your girlfriend might absolutely love pearls.
There you have it. The secret to giving good gifts is knowing your partner. You even got a few gift ideas from that.
If you have a special occasion coming up, feel free to pick my brain. I'm good at this kind of thing. In fact, I'm one of the better gift givers that I know.
For your viewing pleasure, and to illustrate how the wrong gift can go terribly, terribly wrong: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/7175/
First of all, it's not always just the gift that sucks. It's what the gift says about your relationship. If your girlfriend is frustratingly dyslexic and you buy her a copy of East of Eden, this could say one of two things.
1. You're an ass and you bought your dyslexic girlfriend a copy of fucking East of Eden. Did you forget she's dyslexic? What else have you forgotten about her?
2. She likes challenges and you know that. In an effort to support & encourage her you bought her one of the ultimate classics.
This is why buying gifts can be tricky. You have to actually know the person you're buying gifts for. If you bought the book but aren't sure how she will take it, buy her a card in which you write "I know you get frustrated, we can read this together" or something sappy and togetherly. If you forgot she's dyslexic then lets hope she IS the kinda girl that likes a challenge. Otherwise you're boned.
Okay, back to the process of buying gifts. Think about your girlfriend. Picture her awesomeness in your head. She would have to be awesome, otherwise why date her?
Think about her interests. Does she like reading? What kind of books? Do you know the name of her favorite band? If it's Taylor Swift then it's okay not to buy your woman the new cd, I wouldn't want to encourage that either. Does she collect anything? Is she outdoorsy or does she play video games or both? What kinds of things can you do together?
This is another area where guys go wrong - you think the present has to fit in a box. Why not take her somewhere? She's your girlfriend, so she likes being with you, work that angle! Picnics are nice because she feels like you're being romantic and you get to eat. Not only that, but she'll probably get cutesy and feed you like you're some kind of Greek deity. Bonus.
Some girls wont ask for perfume even though they'd like you to buy some. Here's why:
They want you to think they smell good.
Girls think about you when they are buying their shampoo/lotions/perfumes. They wonder if you'll think it smells wonderful or if it reminds you of your ex. Or your grandma.
They can't ask you to buy them perfume, it's expensive. They probably don't ask you to go shopping with them to help them pick something out because you guys hate shopping. So take the initiative and go buy something with a fragrance that you love. Make sure you are not just using your nose, use your head. Does this perfume remind you of your ex? Or your girl's BFF? Don't buy a perfume that makes you think of someone else. Buy a perfume that smells wonderful and makes you think of your lady.
Lingerie is not necessarily a NoGo. It depends on your relationship. Does your girl get magazines from Victoria's Secret or Frederick's? Peek through the pages, is anything marked? Next time you catch her looking through the magazine, ask her what she likes in it. The nice thing about talking to your girl about panties as that it will likely lead to a private showing.
If you're trying to think of a gift that she'd really really want; don't think back and remember how frustrated she gets with her old vacuum cleaner. That's not a gift, that's like filling her car up with gas for her birthday. Now, if you also got it washed & detailed after installing a badass new sound system then okay, you can fill it up with gas. Toasters and vacuums are domestic necessities, they can be bought any damn day of the week and for no good reason. Plus, remember the domestic part? Avoid gifts that say domestic. Unless it's pearls, because your girlfriend might absolutely love pearls.
There you have it. The secret to giving good gifts is knowing your partner. You even got a few gift ideas from that.
If you have a special occasion coming up, feel free to pick my brain. I'm good at this kind of thing. In fact, I'm one of the better gift givers that I know.
For your viewing pleasure, and to illustrate how the wrong gift can go terribly, terribly wrong: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/7175/
Saturday, February 27, 2010
What to do when the Traffic Light is out
Scenario: You pull up to a traffic light controlled intersection and the power is out so the traffic light is not operating. What do you do?
Proper Response: You treat it like a damned 4. Way. Stop. You moron!
A few months ago I would not have felt a post like this would be necessary (I'm a Realist, not a Pessimist). However; it has become painfully obvious that many of you people reach an unlit traffic light and just freak the Hell out.
As you might have guessed, the power recently went out in my little town. The traffic light at, quite possibly, the busiest intersection in town was down for the count. I watched, in disbelief and disgust, as drivers blindly sped through the intersection out of turn; swerving around other cars, honking their little horns and squealing their little breaks. One car would go and then 3 others would take off after it, as if a magical light had turned green and it was now everyone's turn to Go! Go! GO!
I gotta tell ya, when it came to my rightful turn to pass through the Intersection of Death, I was afraid. I drove through that opening and every muscle in my body prepared for impact as my eyeballs nearly popped out of my skull while I scanned the darkness for the Dumbass that was about the threaten my life.
Obviously I made it through safely. Much to my surprise and relief.
Proper Response: You treat it like a damned 4. Way. Stop. You moron!
A few months ago I would not have felt a post like this would be necessary (I'm a Realist, not a Pessimist). However; it has become painfully obvious that many of you people reach an unlit traffic light and just freak the Hell out.
As you might have guessed, the power recently went out in my little town. The traffic light at, quite possibly, the busiest intersection in town was down for the count. I watched, in disbelief and disgust, as drivers blindly sped through the intersection out of turn; swerving around other cars, honking their little horns and squealing their little breaks. One car would go and then 3 others would take off after it, as if a magical light had turned green and it was now everyone's turn to Go! Go! GO!
I gotta tell ya, when it came to my rightful turn to pass through the Intersection of Death, I was afraid. I drove through that opening and every muscle in my body prepared for impact as my eyeballs nearly popped out of my skull while I scanned the darkness for the Dumbass that was about the threaten my life.
Obviously I made it through safely. Much to my surprise and relief.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
So Avatar causes depression. . .
Oh no! Another reminder that your life sucks! Whatever shall you do?
Let's face it, if you're life was exciting and fulfilling then you wouldn't be wasting 3hrs of your day watching a movie. Unless you're exciting & fulfilling life has you working in the movie business. My guess is, it doesn't.
Of course reality sucks in comparison; did you see any fatass Na'vi running around with acne living in their mom's basement? Okay, fine, they lived with their mother in a giant tree; but they were still skinny and pimple free. Plus, who wouldn't want freckles that glowed in the dark?
Avatar isn't the first hard look in the mirror people have been forced to take, it's just so damn shiny and pretty that even the media couldn't look away. Will it inspire cleaner living, alternative energy & less wastefulness? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. . .
But let's not forget that there are millions of examples of lives much more awesome than our own out there. Star Wars, Star Trek, just about any comic book you pick up, Tomb Raider, 27 Dresses, Alice in Wonderland (Hell, pick one), any of the happy dancy Disney movies. . . but let's all jump on Avatar because it makes us humans look at ourselves in a negative light and because the giant blue people didn't worship Jesus.
But for those of you who wish you lived on Pandora because everything on that planet is awesome, I suggest you go to National Geographic and check out some of the crazy critters that live on THIS planet. You want strange & glow in the dark things? Check out the ocean. They have galleries upon galleries of translucent, neon, color changing and alien creatures living right in our oceans on our planet. Better yet, check out this video.
Yeah, I know, this blog makes me look soft. You'll live.
At least take this away with you: Pandora is cool, but the Earth is awesome.
Let's face it, if you're life was exciting and fulfilling then you wouldn't be wasting 3hrs of your day watching a movie. Unless you're exciting & fulfilling life has you working in the movie business. My guess is, it doesn't.
Of course reality sucks in comparison; did you see any fatass Na'vi running around with acne living in their mom's basement? Okay, fine, they lived with their mother in a giant tree; but they were still skinny and pimple free. Plus, who wouldn't want freckles that glowed in the dark?
Avatar isn't the first hard look in the mirror people have been forced to take, it's just so damn shiny and pretty that even the media couldn't look away. Will it inspire cleaner living, alternative energy & less wastefulness? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. . .
But let's not forget that there are millions of examples of lives much more awesome than our own out there. Star Wars, Star Trek, just about any comic book you pick up, Tomb Raider, 27 Dresses, Alice in Wonderland (Hell, pick one), any of the happy dancy Disney movies. . . but let's all jump on Avatar because it makes us humans look at ourselves in a negative light and because the giant blue people didn't worship Jesus.
But for those of you who wish you lived on Pandora because everything on that planet is awesome, I suggest you go to National Geographic and check out some of the crazy critters that live on THIS planet. You want strange & glow in the dark things? Check out the ocean. They have galleries upon galleries of translucent, neon, color changing and alien creatures living right in our oceans on our planet. Better yet, check out this video.
Yeah, I know, this blog makes me look soft. You'll live.
At least take this away with you: Pandora is cool, but the Earth is awesome.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Dating
Some people suck at dating. Maybe they have that whole, nervous mumbling thing that's all awkward and 'romantic comedy'. Maybe they come off as cold so no one asks them out thinking they don't have a chance.
Some of us just hate dating altogether.
Not just the 'act of' dating, but the whole idea of it. It's total crap. Dating puts expectations on you before you even know if you like the person.
This dating business is too over-thought. Too stressful. There are Rules to dating. Like kissing on the 1st date and if a guy calls on Tuesday then the girl makes herself unavailable till Thursday to keep him in suspense. Really? So if a guy wins spontaneous tickets to your OMG Favorite Band Ever! and the concert is tomorrow night, you're supposed to say 'No' because you don't want to look too available?
Which is worse, being 'available' at a rockin concert or being 'unavailable' sitting at home watching Say Yes To The Dress while you down a bag of Doritos? Sodium increases cellulite, btw.
Way to go ladies, you passed up a badass evening because you read that a CosmoGirl is never too available. Now you're Would Be hot date is at the concert. . . with someone who was available.
So dating has all these rules that pretty much fuck everything up. Instead of doing what you want to do, you're doing what you think you're supposed to do. And why date someone if you're not comfortable enough to do what you want?
Don't forget about expectations. The whole reason you're with this person at the movies/coffee shop/whatever is because you both have a 'Goal' in mind. That you're going to, what, be boyfriend and girlfriend in a couple of months? And if that doesn't happen you can't be friends anymore because this ridiculous little concept didn't pan out like the magazines say and your little hopes are dashed? Lame.
What happens if the dates go well but then once you see them interact with other humans you're mortified? You have to break them down gently now, because you've already started dating which means this person has told all their friends and parents about you and they've probably been imagining some kind of future together. Yikes. You didn't realize they were such an idiot until you saw them in their natural element and you've already made this vocal commitment with the word 'Dating' that now you've got to chew your leg off nicely to get out of it.
Dating is flawed.
Save the term for someone you are actually excited about seeing and already know you're into. Date the guy that has already proved that he is beyond 2dimensional on more than one occasion. Date the girl who always manages to surprise you with her coolness. Don't date the cute chick in the shoe department with the nametag that says Jyll.
If you want to get to know the mall girl, invite her and her friends to a group event. You can both get to know each other in a no pressure, expectation free environment. And if you don't bone, you can still probably be friends at the end of the day. Unless she's a total flop, then drop her ass.
It's not like you two were dating. . .
Some of us just hate dating altogether.
Not just the 'act of' dating, but the whole idea of it. It's total crap. Dating puts expectations on you before you even know if you like the person.
This dating business is too over-thought. Too stressful. There are Rules to dating. Like kissing on the 1st date and if a guy calls on Tuesday then the girl makes herself unavailable till Thursday to keep him in suspense. Really? So if a guy wins spontaneous tickets to your OMG Favorite Band Ever! and the concert is tomorrow night, you're supposed to say 'No' because you don't want to look too available?
Which is worse, being 'available' at a rockin concert or being 'unavailable' sitting at home watching Say Yes To The Dress while you down a bag of Doritos? Sodium increases cellulite, btw.
Way to go ladies, you passed up a badass evening because you read that a CosmoGirl is never too available. Now you're Would Be hot date is at the concert. . . with someone who was available.
So dating has all these rules that pretty much fuck everything up. Instead of doing what you want to do, you're doing what you think you're supposed to do. And why date someone if you're not comfortable enough to do what you want?
Don't forget about expectations. The whole reason you're with this person at the movies/coffee shop/whatever is because you both have a 'Goal' in mind. That you're going to, what, be boyfriend and girlfriend in a couple of months? And if that doesn't happen you can't be friends anymore because this ridiculous little concept didn't pan out like the magazines say and your little hopes are dashed? Lame.
What happens if the dates go well but then once you see them interact with other humans you're mortified? You have to break them down gently now, because you've already started dating which means this person has told all their friends and parents about you and they've probably been imagining some kind of future together. Yikes. You didn't realize they were such an idiot until you saw them in their natural element and you've already made this vocal commitment with the word 'Dating' that now you've got to chew your leg off nicely to get out of it.
Dating is flawed.
Save the term for someone you are actually excited about seeing and already know you're into. Date the guy that has already proved that he is beyond 2dimensional on more than one occasion. Date the girl who always manages to surprise you with her coolness. Don't date the cute chick in the shoe department with the nametag that says Jyll.
If you want to get to know the mall girl, invite her and her friends to a group event. You can both get to know each other in a no pressure, expectation free environment. And if you don't bone, you can still probably be friends at the end of the day. Unless she's a total flop, then drop her ass.
It's not like you two were dating. . .
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Text Chatting
It's stupid.
That's right, I said it.
If you want to chat, fine, go chat. Over coffee or tea or dessert. Don't text me and ask me what I'm doing unless you are about to suggest doing something else Together where we will be able to talk face to face. I do not want to tell you all about my day in a series of 160character messages. I sure as hell don't want to be bombarded by messages about your day either, so don't do that.
I feel the world is missing an important difference between texting and chatting.
Sure, technology has improved in such a way that you can now run a chat program (or IM if you like) from your fancy little iphone or whatever.
This does not excuse you; you're annoying.
Texts are designed to be short, sweet, and direct. If you just walked by the craziest thing you have ever seen in your sad little life then by all means - text your buddy that you just saw the craziest thing you have ever seen in your sad little life. But save the details for when you meet up later. Or take a sly pic and send that out.
Stop sending stupid text messages with ". . . " like you're bored because I'm not talking to you. You are not sitting on your ass in front of a computer monitor waiting for my next response. Go do shit. That way you'll actually have something to talk about when you see your friends later.
What am I supposed to do, respond to each and every asinine text you send just to maintain your ego? Will you not be my friend anymore because I didn't text back in a timely manner to your message that consisted entirely of the word 'So'?
This is why texts cost money! Because as soon as they had Unlimited Texting there was a monsoon of perfect examples as to why dumbasses should never breed! Drunk texting is the thing now, not drunk dialing; because why tell just ONE ex girlfriend all the dirty things you want to do to her when you can mass send a single text to your entire contact list?
If you have a pal that likes this text chatting business then that's great for you; you can go be lame & annoying together. Leave my cell the hell out of it.
That's right, I said it.
If you want to chat, fine, go chat. Over coffee or tea or dessert. Don't text me and ask me what I'm doing unless you are about to suggest doing something else Together where we will be able to talk face to face. I do not want to tell you all about my day in a series of 160character messages. I sure as hell don't want to be bombarded by messages about your day either, so don't do that.
I feel the world is missing an important difference between texting and chatting.
Sure, technology has improved in such a way that you can now run a chat program (or IM if you like) from your fancy little iphone or whatever.
This does not excuse you; you're annoying.
Texts are designed to be short, sweet, and direct. If you just walked by the craziest thing you have ever seen in your sad little life then by all means - text your buddy that you just saw the craziest thing you have ever seen in your sad little life. But save the details for when you meet up later. Or take a sly pic and send that out.
Stop sending stupid text messages with ". . . " like you're bored because I'm not talking to you. You are not sitting on your ass in front of a computer monitor waiting for my next response. Go do shit. That way you'll actually have something to talk about when you see your friends later.
What am I supposed to do, respond to each and every asinine text you send just to maintain your ego? Will you not be my friend anymore because I didn't text back in a timely manner to your message that consisted entirely of the word 'So'?
This is why texts cost money! Because as soon as they had Unlimited Texting there was a monsoon of perfect examples as to why dumbasses should never breed! Drunk texting is the thing now, not drunk dialing; because why tell just ONE ex girlfriend all the dirty things you want to do to her when you can mass send a single text to your entire contact list?
If you have a pal that likes this text chatting business then that's great for you; you can go be lame & annoying together. Leave my cell the hell out of it.
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